I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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