i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
