My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
