Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
