Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
