Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
