I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
