o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
