he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
