haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
