i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
