i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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