I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
