the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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