My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
