i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i think i just lost a toe
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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