when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
