i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
