I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
