The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
