hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
