you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
