the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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