Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
