My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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