Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
