My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
