Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
