I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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