Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I FOUND THE LEGS
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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