i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
