I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
