Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
