I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Randomize
