Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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