Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
