So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
