I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
