My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
