So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
