i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
