just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
