Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
