Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
