Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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