I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
