My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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