I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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