I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
