cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
